This is a slight change to the normal content that I write.

You might even notice that there are not as many photographs in this blog either. I didn’t think it very appropriate to show drunken photos of me when I am talking about alcoholism.

I admit that I ummed and aaahed about writing it too, asking myself whether it was something that A) I should talk about and B) whether anyone would be interested in even reading about it.

However I eventually decided that if this helped just one person, then it would be well worth sharing my story.

Also, please try not to judge me. I am not here asking for derision or even praise. I am just sharing my story in the hope that others who are struggling with addiction can look at me and say, “if she can do it, so can I”.

So here goes (and please bear with me as it is a bit of a tale and some of it you might have heard before)

In the past I have spoken about having an addictive personality. It has always been all or nothing to me. I can go without a chocolate biscuit for months on end but if I have one, I want a fifth, and a seventh and more.

If I start a project I give it my all until either it is finished or something stops me from doing it.

A few years back I started going to the gym. I went for six solid months; once and day and twice a day at the weekends. I absolutely loved it and got a great buzz from going.

And then they refurbished the place and had to shut for three days.

I never went back!

It had ‘broken my run’ and I had no desire to start all over again.

So, yeah. It’s all or nothing.

Alcohol has always been a part of my life, rightly or wrongly.

When I was growing up, weekends in the 80’s and 90’s were spent at the local working mens club with my family. They would have 3 or 4 drinks and I would have a coke and packet of crisps. Darts or skittle cheeses would be thrown, live bands played and bingo was called on a Sunday.

In the Summer we would go abroad to Spain and Cuba Libres and San Miguels would abound.

My parents had the attitude that if I was able to drink at home, I wouldn’t hang around park benches with my mates getting pissed.

And they were right!

Why go out in the cold, pay for alcohol and run the risk of getting into trouble when I came home, when I could stay at home and have a drink if I wanted. This meant that I very rarely bothered.

Fast forward quite a few years, and like most people I had enjoyed my share of drunken nights out with friends, waking up in the morning feeling like something the cat had dragged in.

But boy, did we have fun the night before!

Drunken hen nights, parties, family events were all full of alcohol infused fun.

As a family we used to sit at the table for dinner most nights. A bottle of wine would be opened and finished. Fast forward several years and that was probably a couple of bottles.

Around ten years ago I developed a horrendous shoulder problem which left me crying in pain day after day. The doctors and hospital couldn’t work out what was wrong and dealt with it as a rotator cuff issue.

They taped me up. They unwrapped me and manipulated it. They gave me huge injections of Cortisone. They scanned and ultra-sounded and MRI’d me.

Nothing showed up.

In an effort to help me, they gave me huge amounts of drugs. Twenty tablets a day including Temazepam, Amitriptyline and Tramadol.

They didn’t do much to help but I took them without fail. Three months later and I was completely addicted and in a far worse mess.

I went to the doctors in absolute bits. I was clawing at my skin, shaking and twitching. The GP took one look and told me I was ‘clucking like a heroin addict that needed their next fix’.

It took me nine weeks to wean myself off them. And I still had the horrific pain to deal with. Cutting a long story short, the GP actually diagnosed precisely what was wrong but it took a lot of time to get it ‘settled down’.

In the meantime, I was still in agony, struggling to drive, do up my own clothing, brush my hair or hold my cutlery. It was horrendous and as I was now on no medication to speak of, the alcohol intake increased.

My drink of choice was Vodka and I could pack away quite a lot of it. The issue I had with my shoulder was a tendon/muscle problem and when I drank, the stress and tension was released. The pain eased and I was able to get some sleep.

The alcohol became my pain management and I would use it every night. Eventually I got the pain under control and almost solved, and the alcohol intake lessened.

Fast forwarding to April 2019, the weather was glorious over the Easter weekend and Little Chick was home from University. We sat in the garden drinking gin.

A LOT of Gin.

That night when I went to get into bed I tripped over a circular extension reel and my knee landed on top of it. I woke up the next morning with a swollen and bruised knee, a bruised hand and scrapes on my face.

For five weeks I walked around in pain, but assumed it was just bruised internally. I eventually went to the doctor who said ‘well it is badly bruised and swollen, come back in a couple of weeks if still no better’

So, I carried on working, walking and everything else in between. In a lot of pain, I medicated with the alcohol which had caused the injury in the first place.

Stupid, right?

Cutting a long, long story short. I had very badly injured my knee which left me in horrendous pain for a over a year. From April 2019 to February 2020 I drank more and more every night.

This helped with the pain that I was constantly in and allowed me to get some sleep. Every time I rolled over, I would cry out with pain, wake up and spend several hours struggling to get back to sleep.

It was a vicious circle. Drinking to help the pain, hurting myself more as I was unable to feel if I was overdoing it and then being in more pain.

I was drinking at least half a bottle of Vodka a night. I was what would be classed as a high functioning alcoholic.

Now when I have talked to people about this they are very quick to say ‘no, you were never an alcoholic, you just like a drink’

And I suppose in some ways they were right. I never woke up with the shakes or needing a drink as soon as I woke up in the morning. But I drank excessively every single night.

Then it all came to a bit of a head.

February 2020 was the turning point for me.

Monday 10th February 2020

It was late evening on the 11th February and I was ‘ambushed’ by the twins.

An intervention, if you will.

They were pretty vicious in their intervention. That they were worried I was drinking myself into an early grave. How it was becoming a massive issue within the family. That I was not the person they knew and loved.

I was absolutely devastated. I cried a lot. And so did they.

I genuinely didn’t know they felt that way.

The following morning I got up early to go to the GP. In order to definitely get an appointment you pretty much have to turn up 45 minutes before it opens and queue.

It was quite an emotional appointment where I talked about my issues and I have to say the Doctor was amazing. She immediately offered help and support and gave me the details of a substance abuse service.

I walked out the door with a plan of action. The first one was to talk to work and tell them what was going on. I called my boss in a bit of a state and confessed exactly what was going on. I have to say, he was absolutely brilliant.

I will admit, I was worried that it may cause a problem with my job. But I had to be truthful and tell them what was going on. Colin was just wonderful; he gave me a bit of a talking to and told me he would support me in every way he could.

Taking the rest of the day off, I went home. I didn’t say anything to my family as I wanted to ‘do’ something first rather than just ‘say’ I was doing something about it.

Calling ‘Substance to Solution’ I asked for their help. They didn’t have an appointment for a week but I didn’t let it put me off. I booked the appointment and waited.

Turning up the following week, I was nervous and panicky. I hadn’t had a drink for 8 days and to be honest, I wasn’t missing it (apart from the pain relief)

One week Sober

I have to say, it was not a pleasant experience, as such. Without sounding like a snob, the service (S2S) deals with drug and alcohol addiction and so the waiting room was full of men who looked the exact opposite of me.

Gaunt, shaky, pale. Many looked homeless.

Was this really the place for me? I felt like Hyacinth Bouquet. A middle aged, plump, well dressed woman. Completely out of place.

But actually, I was no different to them at all, regardless of their choice of substance. I was abusing alcohol and I needed help.

And you know what? It was the best thing I could have done.

Six months sober

The advisor was brilliant. Non-judgemental and kind without being condescending. He asked for the truth only, and I gave it to him.

He was pretty impressed that I had gone 8 days without a drink as most people who come into the service are still drinking/doing drugs and need help to stop.

He realised I needed help to not start again.

Explaining how the service worked, he told me that I would be assigned someone who would be my ‘go-to’ person; my worker.

I needed to come back in a week to see her and in the meantime I could ring them any time for help and support.

During our conversation, he said one sentence to me that has stuck in my mind ever since.

“It’s not the sixth drink that is the problem. It is the first, because if you didn’t have the first drink, you wouldn’t want that sixth”

And he was so right.

I am an all or nothing girl. If I don’t have the first drink, I won’t want another and another and another.

It was like a lightbulb moment for me.

I came out of the service in a totally different frame of mind.

Monday 10th February 2020 was my last day of drinking.

Today, Thursday 11th February 2021 marks a whole year of sobriety. 365 days without any alcohol.

It has had a profound effect on my life. My children are happier, my health is better (my liver function tests are clear) and my bank balance has improved.

I cannot say ‘I WAS an alcoholic’

Eleven Months Sober

I AM an alcoholic. I will always be. But by not taking that first drink, means I won’t want that sixth, just as he said.

It hasn’t been all easy. For most part, I haven’t missed the alcohol except those sunny days where an ice cold beer in a pub garden would be wonderful.

But not wonderful enough to make me start drinking again.

Ever.

SPSG xx

Normally I sign off with ’till next time’ but this is also a change from the norm. 

I want to urge anyone who is struggling with any form of addiction to please do something. Talk to your doctor. Find a substance abuse service to talk to. Get help. Talk to a friend or relative. 

Or drop me a line. I am a good listener.

Taking that first step is hard, but could change your life.